dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
