We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
