He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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