I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
