he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
