i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
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scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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