you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
