I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
