Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
