Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
