she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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