what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
