I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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