Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
