I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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