I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize