I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
