She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
