Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
