I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
