So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
