you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
