dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
