When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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