what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
