dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Text me some of your sweat
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
