can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
