His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
3pm strippers are depressing
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
