the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
