Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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