Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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