my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
