I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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