After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
