I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
