Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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