before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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