apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
