I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
