You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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