even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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