I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
