I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
