ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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