your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
