Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
