I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just high enough for therapy.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
