The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
