The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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