hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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