The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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