If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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