Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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