no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
