"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
