i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i now understand why vodka
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
