some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
